I think a lot about why i’v never had long lasting ‘real’ friendships. And yet I still haven’t managed to fully come to a conclusion.
I’m 19 and I spend most of my days watching movies and eating food that is really bad for me, ino most people say this but its actually all I do. I also spend a lot of time on tumblr posting depressive shit, the thing is i’v kinda started to spiral I lot lately. Which could be a major reason why I am writing, because I think I only ever become inspired to write when im down. I come home from my flat in the city of my university a lot more recently. Mainly because I cant afford to eat and pay my bills on the income I make, but also I think subconsciously because I’m always on my own there and at least at home i’m forced to be around people. Even if it is only my mother and annoying as fuck younger sister.
I often think about how different me and my sister are, maybe its because im the oldest and I didn’t really know how to be a daughter. But she, even if extremely chavy, can actually talk to our mam about stuff. Emotions and whatever. I have never been able to express anything to her, or any family members really. I cant remember ever saying “I love you” and even trying to tell her id started my period was a nightmare. So as you can imagine, if my lack of friends don’t already suck then the fact im not too close to my family doeskin make things any easier.
In fact the whole friends thing hit hard the other night and was literally sparked from a sarcastic snapchat reply, weirdly. So my obvious solution was to get really really drunk and after the first half a bottle of wine I messaged this guy I have the weirdest and probably quite fucked up relationship with. (Not romantically) Got in the shower, shaved and went to have more drinks with him and his/my mates. (Hes my cousins best friend, my cousin doesn’t know about ‘us’) So yes, a drunk fuck would make my life whole again clearly.
But after the pub shut and we decided that going to the park and getting high was a good plan I had this massive come down where I just literally wanted to kill myself. It was god damn horrid and when it got to the point where everyone was parting ways I had to choose a place to stay, chose the guys place obvz. But still in the spiraling, intoxicated, depressed state I was just like look ino its canny obvious I planned on fucking you and stuff may have happened while everyone took a toilet break (classy ino but it was pretty ‘wild’ in the moment) but im so upset I just cant.
To be totally honest im not sure he was even badly pissed off but drunk me decided it would now be too awkward to stay here so did the amazing 1 hour walk in the freezing cold with shorts on to my cousins house. During said walk, I messaged him a bunch of times apologizing, which really pisses me off! Because I should not have felt that guilty, which I think really shows a lot about how feminism needs to be voiced. Anyway, ended up badly and I think I said just to be clear that I didn’t like him like that and just because I want to watch hsm* with him, we were deffo just friends. Well he wasnt responding by this point and I guess im not sure if he hates me or like likes me and therefore felt kinda subconsciously hurt by my last message but I doubt il find out. Until of course I get really drunk and message him as per. I hate myself. (ps. ino its more likely the first one but a girl and dream)
So yeah, I managed to screw even more shit up in the end and I still feel no better, even worse probably about everything.
*High school musical